New Beginnings

It has been quite a long time since I have posted here. I know, I say that every time I write new post now. It just makes me realize how little I post on this blog nowadays. It has been quite a journey from the last time I wrote. That journey has brought me to this place of balance, inner peace and calm. The difference the past couple months have made on my life are tremendous. I have never in all my life felt the way I do now - so at-one with myself, so attuned to my senses, feelings, wants, needs, dreams. Strangely enough it all began with the simple desire of another. I know this might sound a little bizzarre, assure you it is quite true. This man that took the initiative and extended out an invitation literally changed my whole perspective on life in a matter of days. I too now have desires that may or may not be reciprocated by this individual, but I have come to a point in my life where no matter what may happen with this situation I know I will be able to push forward and take each new stride forward with more strength, courage and knowledge than I have ever had before. I cannot thank this man enough for all of the things he has given me. The interesting part is that I am quite certain he has no idea he has impacted my life as much as he has. It is strange to think that all it took was a simple question that then turned to a statement. I know those of you who actually regularly read this may be wondering who this man could be and what it was that he said to give me this new start on life...I feel that it would be inappropriate to share those details here considering the amount of talking and discussing I have already had with a handful of my closest friends. Just know that I am doing well and that I continue to see a brighter tomorrow because someone extended their hand to me and I finally took hold.

A New Chapter Begins

Well hello everyone!!! It's been a mighty long time since I have written anything here. I sincerely as sincerely can be apologize. My laziness has struck many aspects of my life lately. I hope to change that attitude towards one more positive and life enhancing. So I have recently taken up a song writing class at my college. I thought that maybe I should write my newest song here since my best ideas have been posted on this page. Plus my ideas seem to flow better here for some reason. Once again, here we go:

Can't remember
What was her name
Why can't I think
What did he say
Where is this place
There's a missing link
Don't know that step
Who just called me
Where did she go?
Did you say that
How do you spell that
There's something I don't know

It has a name you see
this game of who, where, when
We all have played it once or twice
No need to grab a pen

It's called a brain fart
the hearty brain fart
It creeps into our brains
To make us go insane
A lovely brain fart

Now how'd that go again
Is your name ross or len
Did you take notes today
Cause I cannot relay
What was that song again
How much did I just spend
What did you just say
Oh man what was your name
What time is it today
I don't recall
When did you call


It's an annoying trait
When you try to concentrate
And find that there's no use
Can't let your thoughts run loose

It's called a brain fart
A bloody brain fart
It makes you squint your eyes
Once you have realized
the lovely brain fart

Just take some time to think
Can't just force out the stink
It has to run its course
But no need to feel remorse

Cause it's a brain fart
a frickin brain fart
It makes us whine and squeal
Forever we will deal
With the bloody bain fart

OMG!!! So much better than the other song I wrote...and more fun :)

Such a long time...

Well tonight I was up thinking about a lot. I have been trying to get back to writing more outside of my school work and tonight seemed to be my night to start. I realize I have been void from this blog for many months now. I guess it was due to lots of stress and such. Hopefully now this can be a place to de-stress instead of be a place to avoid whilst in stressful times.

I'm so frightened
So scared to think it through
That maybe our relationship was never a me and you
I played my cards so willingly
How stupid was I not to see
That maybe what I thought I'd seen was never meant to be
This love was a daydream
Merely, sincerely my lovesick daydream

3 months ago it started out
as nothing more than my self doubt
that anyone would take a glance at me
but then we met my heart beat loud
as you arrived looking so proud
I thought my luck had fin'ly changed it's key
But Was this all just a day dream
Merely, sincerely a lovesick daydream?

A month went by, my heart was full
never thought i'd reach the goal
of finding love that'd last a year or more
you kept your cool just as you had
it made me think that you were glad
to share your life with me with open doors
But was this all just a daydream
merely, sincerely a lovesick daydream?

Now looking at the situation
there seems to be a complication
between my thoughts and yours. oh what a mess
My heart was full up to the brim
Thought that our chances were more than slim
NOt so it seems my heart is in distress
this was all just a daydream
merely, sincerely a lovesick daydream

A Strange Experience

Today was overall an amazing day. I was able to sleep in, had one class, had lunch with a good friend and watched another segment of a movie with the same friend, helped my dad put new shingles on his roof, went to a choir concert by my onesy, and received some pleasant yet unexpected news from a certain someone. This strange experience, however, seems to be the highlight of my entire day of Friday, September 17, 2010. My s dad rented a movie called The Backup Plan, starring Jennifer Lopez. I'm not completely certain why, but it struck hard to my feelings I have been experiencing lately (am I pregnant?).
Entry 42:

I never thought I would love again
I never stopped to think it through
That someone that I once knew
Would come strolling back to me again.

What is truly happening?
Am I hallucinating?
Or has my life turned round to see...

I can love you again
Love springtime again
Count pedals on the flowers
Sit and talk with you for hours
And maybe even kiss you on the lips again

Love is a many splendered thing
It gives a person wings
When all they've had were doubts
Of ever flying

Have i gone karazy
Is my vision truly hazy
Or has my sight finally begun to see...

I can love you again
Love springtime again
Count pedals on the flowers
Sit and talk with you for hours
And maybe even kiss you on the lips again

There was a time not so long ago
I thought I had you figured out
But now, maybe, you've finally shown
The true colors, inside and out so that

I can love you again
Love springtime again
Count pedals on the flowers
Sit and talk with you for hours
And maybe even kiss you on the lips again

Jazz/Ballad style

Old ties come back. Good or Bad?

Wow I am super duper behind. It has definitely been due to all the homework and "extra credit" I've been doing the past few week. I have been feeling the strain though having not written out my thoughts every day like I should and would like to get back into the habit of. So the title of this entry is due to a person coming back into my life that I never thought would even try to come back after what happen during the month of June. I am not one to hold a deep grudge, but when someone completely ignores you for an entire week without any type of response it leaves a mark. And unfortunately for me, mine is still rather tender and not quite healed over. Entry :

Laying on my bed, just thinking things through
Wonderin what in the world kept you.

Lying back I feel the scar that you left on me
Wishing that you could just let me be

This bipolar persona I carry now
Is due to what you did. you ask how

You broke my heart so many times
The middle fell right out
I've been tryin to hide the pain inside
All the memories and the doubts
But now you stand and wait for me
To choose to stay or leave
Right now my answer is...
Not now

You came back like a rocket streaming 'cross the sky
Back then I would've hitched the ride, right now I only cry

The clouds once white have now turned grey
I don't know what to do or say

This bipolar persona I carry now
Is due to what you did. you ask how

You broke my heart so many times
The middle fell right out
I've been tryin to hide the pain inside
All the memories and the doubts
But now you stand and wait for me
To choose to stay or leave
Right now my answer is...
Not now

I tried so hard to reach you
But you never answered back
My heart was always open
And then you made it crack


You broke my heart so many times
The middle fell right out
I've been tryin to hide the pain inside
All the memories and the doubts
But now you stand and wait for me
To choose to stay or leave
Right now my answer is...
Not now

And then there was School...

First full week of school starts today @ 7am. Yikes!!! I am so afraid since I have having financial difficulties buying my school books. I have 2 of the books I need out of 8!!! Ugh, sometimes I wish I had a rich relative who could donate to my skimpish income. Don't get me wrong. I love my job with all my heart and being, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to earn enough money for the things I need. Entry 39:

Somedays I wish I were rich
With bulging bags a plenty
Always on hand.
I sometimes wish it but
On the other hand...

I love my life just as it is
My family, friends, No wife or kids
The festivals and concerts free
Through my college/university

I may still live at home
But hey, at least i'm not alone
WIth mom and cat, bro and step dad
It really isn't half bad.

Stranger still, with all these quirks
I find myself wishing I had less housework
More time to myself or another
Rather than always with mother

Hard to endure...

Well I have fallen so behind. I really am going to try and catch up soon. I still have like 15 entries to make before I finally get on track. I think I will get it done tomorrow and tuesday before school starts back up. Past couple days I have been trying to find a balance in my life. It's been really hard to target...and i think i know why. I have lost so much trust in myself, self esteem has dropped quite far, and then I look beyond myself and see so many of my friends taking gigantic strides forward every day while I see myself as stagnant as ever. I want so much to be free again; free from emotional strife, physical destruction. All in all, I just want to have the balance I used to have. Entry 37:

Deep within the shadows of my soul
I know There is a light I used to know
But somehow it has hidden itself from me
And I'm not so sure what it will be
When I finally can embrace it and hold

I'm struggling to find the words to express
All the troubles and strife and overwhelming stress
That I can't seem to make go away

In this time of my life i'm living
There is so much I should be giving
but my heart is having trouble beating
With the hurting pain that' i've been getting

I know it's an excuse
and that in turn it's mine to choose
So now my choice will be this:
Nothing can make me choose to quit.