And then there was School...

First full week of school starts today @ 7am. Yikes!!! I am so afraid since I have having financial difficulties buying my school books. I have 2 of the books I need out of 8!!! Ugh, sometimes I wish I had a rich relative who could donate to my skimpish income. Don't get me wrong. I love my job with all my heart and being, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to earn enough money for the things I need. Entry 39:

Somedays I wish I were rich
With bulging bags a plenty
Always on hand.
I sometimes wish it but
On the other hand...

I love my life just as it is
My family, friends, No wife or kids
The festivals and concerts free
Through my college/university

I may still live at home
But hey, at least i'm not alone
WIth mom and cat, bro and step dad
It really isn't half bad.

Stranger still, with all these quirks
I find myself wishing I had less housework
More time to myself or another
Rather than always with mother

Hard to endure...

Well I have fallen so behind. I really am going to try and catch up soon. I still have like 15 entries to make before I finally get on track. I think I will get it done tomorrow and tuesday before school starts back up. Past couple days I have been trying to find a balance in my life. It's been really hard to target...and i think i know why. I have lost so much trust in myself, self esteem has dropped quite far, and then I look beyond myself and see so many of my friends taking gigantic strides forward every day while I see myself as stagnant as ever. I want so much to be free again; free from emotional strife, physical destruction. All in all, I just want to have the balance I used to have. Entry 37:

Deep within the shadows of my soul
I know There is a light I used to know
But somehow it has hidden itself from me
And I'm not so sure what it will be
When I finally can embrace it and hold

I'm struggling to find the words to express
All the troubles and strife and overwhelming stress
That I can't seem to make go away

In this time of my life i'm living
There is so much I should be giving
but my heart is having trouble beating
With the hurting pain that' i've been getting

I know it's an excuse
and that in turn it's mine to choose
So now my choice will be this:
Nothing can make me choose to quit.

Oh theories

So there is this person I know that really kinda confuses me. It has now been proven, with very little work on my behalf, that this individual only talks to me when they are alcofied. In a way I find it sort of flattering, since I don't really know them that well, but I also find it very degrading. It seems some people only want to talk to me when they aren't themselves entirely, and it really bothers me a lot more now than it used to. Entry 36:

I met girl on the corner street
She admittedly told me she had two left feet
When I asked her to come and dance
Though reluctant, she said she'd give it a chance
But i never knew she'd be the wrong one to meet
ON the corner street

Her eyes they sparkled
Her face was perfection
The dress she wore was cute
She made me laugh, and she did too
But something changed as the night wore through
Her smile became silent
She didn't seem violent
But it made me wonder what I was supposed to do.

I asked her, What's the matter
IS everything alright?
She quietly replied, I need a drink
It was then I realized where i'd been
when I asked her to attend the ball
that night.

She hadn't been herself at all when I first met her
Or even as we danced the night away
I tried to talk it over with myself
But I found myself saying, No way
She cannot hold a tune to her name
Without the proper "instruments" in play.

The rest of the night
she hid herself from my sight
Oh believe me , I felt bad
But what I thought I had
was now nothing more
Than an alcoholic pried away from the liquor store.

I took her back to her place
or at least the one she said was hers
She didn't miss a beat
Opening the door and barely landing on her own two feet
as the door closed behind her on the porch
I took a deep breath in and felt relieved.

I learned that very evening
I could never date someone who had to depend upon
Something such as weed, or drugs or alcohol
To be alive within themselves and others

I met a girl on the corner street,
She admitted said she had two left feet
When I asked her to come and dance
This time, however, I noticed she'd been drinking
So I told her, "oh okay, well i'l find someone else."
So gave another street girl a chance.

(musically styled)

Meteors falling...

Tonight was a magical night. I have never seen so many "shooting stars"(aka meteors). First meteor shower with two good friends. It was fun and we had a blast. In the excitingness one of my friends said something about not wanting to miss shooting stars. Entry 35:

It's dark outside tonight
Maybe i'll get lucky still
To catch another glory cross the sky
I hope tonight i'll have my wish fulfilled

Cause I can't stand to think
I won't be here another year
My heart would shrink
I would surely shed a tear

I don't wanna miss another shooting star
Watch it cross the heavens so far
It touches my nose
And then the wind blows it back
To where it wants, it goes

This summer was much harder than the last
The doctors broke the news
I may not last another
The kimo did it's best
But it still shows on the tests
Yet I am still considering my next summer vacation
With my dad, siblings and mother

Cause I can't stand to think
I won't be here another year
My heart would shrink
I would surely shed a tear

I don't wanna miss another shooting star
Watch it cross the heavens so far
It touches my nose
and then the wind blows it back
To where it wants, it goes

I didn't quite make it
Three months shy of sitting in the night
My family's staring quietly at the stars
As I stare right back at them behind the bars
Of heaven

At least I can still see them here
For I would surely shed a tear
If we couldn't share this moment
While I'm here

Cause I couldn't stand to think
The thought of missing one more glance
At the stars with my family and friends
Even though they aren't here beside me



(musically based)

Friend's wall post

So I was posting on my friend's wall when i wrote something I felt could be a song lyric and/or title. It immediately caught my attention and made me want to be sure to blog about it. Musically inclined partner in crime. Entry 34:

Hey there. How are you?
We haven't talked a lot lately but guess what?
I have an idea about song we should write.
My words will say it, your musical instrumentation can set the mood.
Maybe we'll cross a line
Me and my musically inclined partner in crime.

This is our chance to make the notes dance across the page
Our chance to tell the world what we are made of
We have the skills, the makings of duo all the rage
For kids like us and more

SO lets write a ballad, a super cheesy ballad
about lovers finding love in who knows where
Or maybe write a samba, mexi crazy samba
To impress and disillusion those who just might care

My only problem now is this...
What shall we wear?

(musical styling)

IS it real?

Again I have hit a slight bump. I was plunking out a melody for one of the posts on here and thought while recording it that it sounded great. When I listened back however, I was less than impressed with how it sounded to me. Maybe it's because I have a minor case of perfectionism when it comes to my vocal ability. It makes me wonder if my talent is as good as what people tell me. I dunno. Maybe I am falling victim to playback syndrome=listening to yourself and finding all the faults rather than all the successes. I may never know. Entry 33:

They say truth lies inside
So very deep in your eyes
When I sit and stare at you
I feel like you just wanna hide

Is there something you fear that I may hear
Was there something you wanted to clear
from your mind, from your soul
has your fear taken a hold on you?
Have I stumbled upon the one thing you wished
I would never uncover that you failed to relinquish?

This sad happenstance of life
When you know the end is nigh
It hurts to know the truth
Ever more while in your youth
The burn is worse when they fail to claim
Their wrong doings to you and admit the blame
Cause once you let go
They will not follow

Linger...

WOW!!! As crazy as this might sound, I am so rattled right now. I just finished Linger, the second book in The Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy. It was an interesting read. Interesting in a good way though. I haven't read a story like this...ever. Aside from this novel adventure I have been on things have been looking up from recent writings. I feel more human, more connected to things I feared would never resurface again. Entry 32:

Rain
simple, light, heavy
consuming, engulfing, enlightening, convulsing, retracting
trickling, sprinkling, drowning
Rain