New Beginnings

It has been quite a long time since I have posted here. I know, I say that every time I write new post now. It just makes me realize how little I post on this blog nowadays. It has been quite a journey from the last time I wrote. That journey has brought me to this place of balance, inner peace and calm. The difference the past couple months have made on my life are tremendous. I have never in all my life felt the way I do now - so at-one with myself, so attuned to my senses, feelings, wants, needs, dreams. Strangely enough it all began with the simple desire of another. I know this might sound a little bizzarre, assure you it is quite true. This man that took the initiative and extended out an invitation literally changed my whole perspective on life in a matter of days. I too now have desires that may or may not be reciprocated by this individual, but I have come to a point in my life where no matter what may happen with this situation I know I will be able to push forward and take each new stride forward with more strength, courage and knowledge than I have ever had before. I cannot thank this man enough for all of the things he has given me. The interesting part is that I am quite certain he has no idea he has impacted my life as much as he has. It is strange to think that all it took was a simple question that then turned to a statement. I know those of you who actually regularly read this may be wondering who this man could be and what it was that he said to give me this new start on life...I feel that it would be inappropriate to share those details here considering the amount of talking and discussing I have already had with a handful of my closest friends. Just know that I am doing well and that I continue to see a brighter tomorrow because someone extended their hand to me and I finally took hold.

A New Chapter Begins

Well hello everyone!!! It's been a mighty long time since I have written anything here. I sincerely as sincerely can be apologize. My laziness has struck many aspects of my life lately. I hope to change that attitude towards one more positive and life enhancing. So I have recently taken up a song writing class at my college. I thought that maybe I should write my newest song here since my best ideas have been posted on this page. Plus my ideas seem to flow better here for some reason. Once again, here we go:

Can't remember
What was her name
Why can't I think
What did he say
Where is this place
There's a missing link
Don't know that step
Who just called me
Where did she go?
Did you say that
How do you spell that
There's something I don't know

It has a name you see
this game of who, where, when
We all have played it once or twice
No need to grab a pen

It's called a brain fart
the hearty brain fart
It creeps into our brains
To make us go insane
A lovely brain fart

Now how'd that go again
Is your name ross or len
Did you take notes today
Cause I cannot relay
What was that song again
How much did I just spend
What did you just say
Oh man what was your name
What time is it today
I don't recall
When did you call


It's an annoying trait
When you try to concentrate
And find that there's no use
Can't let your thoughts run loose

It's called a brain fart
A bloody brain fart
It makes you squint your eyes
Once you have realized
the lovely brain fart

Just take some time to think
Can't just force out the stink
It has to run its course
But no need to feel remorse

Cause it's a brain fart
a frickin brain fart
It makes us whine and squeal
Forever we will deal
With the bloody bain fart

OMG!!! So much better than the other song I wrote...and more fun :)

Such a long time...

Well tonight I was up thinking about a lot. I have been trying to get back to writing more outside of my school work and tonight seemed to be my night to start. I realize I have been void from this blog for many months now. I guess it was due to lots of stress and such. Hopefully now this can be a place to de-stress instead of be a place to avoid whilst in stressful times.

I'm so frightened
So scared to think it through
That maybe our relationship was never a me and you
I played my cards so willingly
How stupid was I not to see
That maybe what I thought I'd seen was never meant to be
This love was a daydream
Merely, sincerely my lovesick daydream

3 months ago it started out
as nothing more than my self doubt
that anyone would take a glance at me
but then we met my heart beat loud
as you arrived looking so proud
I thought my luck had fin'ly changed it's key
But Was this all just a day dream
Merely, sincerely a lovesick daydream?

A month went by, my heart was full
never thought i'd reach the goal
of finding love that'd last a year or more
you kept your cool just as you had
it made me think that you were glad
to share your life with me with open doors
But was this all just a daydream
merely, sincerely a lovesick daydream?

Now looking at the situation
there seems to be a complication
between my thoughts and yours. oh what a mess
My heart was full up to the brim
Thought that our chances were more than slim
NOt so it seems my heart is in distress
this was all just a daydream
merely, sincerely a lovesick daydream

A Strange Experience

Today was overall an amazing day. I was able to sleep in, had one class, had lunch with a good friend and watched another segment of a movie with the same friend, helped my dad put new shingles on his roof, went to a choir concert by my onesy, and received some pleasant yet unexpected news from a certain someone. This strange experience, however, seems to be the highlight of my entire day of Friday, September 17, 2010. My s dad rented a movie called The Backup Plan, starring Jennifer Lopez. I'm not completely certain why, but it struck hard to my feelings I have been experiencing lately (am I pregnant?).
Entry 42:

I never thought I would love again
I never stopped to think it through
That someone that I once knew
Would come strolling back to me again.

What is truly happening?
Am I hallucinating?
Or has my life turned round to see...

I can love you again
Love springtime again
Count pedals on the flowers
Sit and talk with you for hours
And maybe even kiss you on the lips again

Love is a many splendered thing
It gives a person wings
When all they've had were doubts
Of ever flying

Have i gone karazy
Is my vision truly hazy
Or has my sight finally begun to see...

I can love you again
Love springtime again
Count pedals on the flowers
Sit and talk with you for hours
And maybe even kiss you on the lips again

There was a time not so long ago
I thought I had you figured out
But now, maybe, you've finally shown
The true colors, inside and out so that

I can love you again
Love springtime again
Count pedals on the flowers
Sit and talk with you for hours
And maybe even kiss you on the lips again

Jazz/Ballad style

Old ties come back. Good or Bad?

Wow I am super duper behind. It has definitely been due to all the homework and "extra credit" I've been doing the past few week. I have been feeling the strain though having not written out my thoughts every day like I should and would like to get back into the habit of. So the title of this entry is due to a person coming back into my life that I never thought would even try to come back after what happen during the month of June. I am not one to hold a deep grudge, but when someone completely ignores you for an entire week without any type of response it leaves a mark. And unfortunately for me, mine is still rather tender and not quite healed over. Entry :

Laying on my bed, just thinking things through
Wonderin what in the world kept you.

Lying back I feel the scar that you left on me
Wishing that you could just let me be

This bipolar persona I carry now
Is due to what you did. you ask how

You broke my heart so many times
The middle fell right out
I've been tryin to hide the pain inside
All the memories and the doubts
But now you stand and wait for me
To choose to stay or leave
Right now my answer is...
Not now

You came back like a rocket streaming 'cross the sky
Back then I would've hitched the ride, right now I only cry

The clouds once white have now turned grey
I don't know what to do or say

This bipolar persona I carry now
Is due to what you did. you ask how

You broke my heart so many times
The middle fell right out
I've been tryin to hide the pain inside
All the memories and the doubts
But now you stand and wait for me
To choose to stay or leave
Right now my answer is...
Not now

I tried so hard to reach you
But you never answered back
My heart was always open
And then you made it crack


You broke my heart so many times
The middle fell right out
I've been tryin to hide the pain inside
All the memories and the doubts
But now you stand and wait for me
To choose to stay or leave
Right now my answer is...
Not now

And then there was School...

First full week of school starts today @ 7am. Yikes!!! I am so afraid since I have having financial difficulties buying my school books. I have 2 of the books I need out of 8!!! Ugh, sometimes I wish I had a rich relative who could donate to my skimpish income. Don't get me wrong. I love my job with all my heart and being, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to earn enough money for the things I need. Entry 39:

Somedays I wish I were rich
With bulging bags a plenty
Always on hand.
I sometimes wish it but
On the other hand...

I love my life just as it is
My family, friends, No wife or kids
The festivals and concerts free
Through my college/university

I may still live at home
But hey, at least i'm not alone
WIth mom and cat, bro and step dad
It really isn't half bad.

Stranger still, with all these quirks
I find myself wishing I had less housework
More time to myself or another
Rather than always with mother

Hard to endure...

Well I have fallen so behind. I really am going to try and catch up soon. I still have like 15 entries to make before I finally get on track. I think I will get it done tomorrow and tuesday before school starts back up. Past couple days I have been trying to find a balance in my life. It's been really hard to target...and i think i know why. I have lost so much trust in myself, self esteem has dropped quite far, and then I look beyond myself and see so many of my friends taking gigantic strides forward every day while I see myself as stagnant as ever. I want so much to be free again; free from emotional strife, physical destruction. All in all, I just want to have the balance I used to have. Entry 37:

Deep within the shadows of my soul
I know There is a light I used to know
But somehow it has hidden itself from me
And I'm not so sure what it will be
When I finally can embrace it and hold

I'm struggling to find the words to express
All the troubles and strife and overwhelming stress
That I can't seem to make go away

In this time of my life i'm living
There is so much I should be giving
but my heart is having trouble beating
With the hurting pain that' i've been getting

I know it's an excuse
and that in turn it's mine to choose
So now my choice will be this:
Nothing can make me choose to quit.

Oh theories

So there is this person I know that really kinda confuses me. It has now been proven, with very little work on my behalf, that this individual only talks to me when they are alcofied. In a way I find it sort of flattering, since I don't really know them that well, but I also find it very degrading. It seems some people only want to talk to me when they aren't themselves entirely, and it really bothers me a lot more now than it used to. Entry 36:

I met girl on the corner street
She admittedly told me she had two left feet
When I asked her to come and dance
Though reluctant, she said she'd give it a chance
But i never knew she'd be the wrong one to meet
ON the corner street

Her eyes they sparkled
Her face was perfection
The dress she wore was cute
She made me laugh, and she did too
But something changed as the night wore through
Her smile became silent
She didn't seem violent
But it made me wonder what I was supposed to do.

I asked her, What's the matter
IS everything alright?
She quietly replied, I need a drink
It was then I realized where i'd been
when I asked her to attend the ball
that night.

She hadn't been herself at all when I first met her
Or even as we danced the night away
I tried to talk it over with myself
But I found myself saying, No way
She cannot hold a tune to her name
Without the proper "instruments" in play.

The rest of the night
she hid herself from my sight
Oh believe me , I felt bad
But what I thought I had
was now nothing more
Than an alcoholic pried away from the liquor store.

I took her back to her place
or at least the one she said was hers
She didn't miss a beat
Opening the door and barely landing on her own two feet
as the door closed behind her on the porch
I took a deep breath in and felt relieved.

I learned that very evening
I could never date someone who had to depend upon
Something such as weed, or drugs or alcohol
To be alive within themselves and others

I met a girl on the corner street,
She admitted said she had two left feet
When I asked her to come and dance
This time, however, I noticed she'd been drinking
So I told her, "oh okay, well i'l find someone else."
So gave another street girl a chance.

(musically styled)

Meteors falling...

Tonight was a magical night. I have never seen so many "shooting stars"(aka meteors). First meteor shower with two good friends. It was fun and we had a blast. In the excitingness one of my friends said something about not wanting to miss shooting stars. Entry 35:

It's dark outside tonight
Maybe i'll get lucky still
To catch another glory cross the sky
I hope tonight i'll have my wish fulfilled

Cause I can't stand to think
I won't be here another year
My heart would shrink
I would surely shed a tear

I don't wanna miss another shooting star
Watch it cross the heavens so far
It touches my nose
And then the wind blows it back
To where it wants, it goes

This summer was much harder than the last
The doctors broke the news
I may not last another
The kimo did it's best
But it still shows on the tests
Yet I am still considering my next summer vacation
With my dad, siblings and mother

Cause I can't stand to think
I won't be here another year
My heart would shrink
I would surely shed a tear

I don't wanna miss another shooting star
Watch it cross the heavens so far
It touches my nose
and then the wind blows it back
To where it wants, it goes

I didn't quite make it
Three months shy of sitting in the night
My family's staring quietly at the stars
As I stare right back at them behind the bars
Of heaven

At least I can still see them here
For I would surely shed a tear
If we couldn't share this moment
While I'm here

Cause I couldn't stand to think
The thought of missing one more glance
At the stars with my family and friends
Even though they aren't here beside me



(musically based)

Friend's wall post

So I was posting on my friend's wall when i wrote something I felt could be a song lyric and/or title. It immediately caught my attention and made me want to be sure to blog about it. Musically inclined partner in crime. Entry 34:

Hey there. How are you?
We haven't talked a lot lately but guess what?
I have an idea about song we should write.
My words will say it, your musical instrumentation can set the mood.
Maybe we'll cross a line
Me and my musically inclined partner in crime.

This is our chance to make the notes dance across the page
Our chance to tell the world what we are made of
We have the skills, the makings of duo all the rage
For kids like us and more

SO lets write a ballad, a super cheesy ballad
about lovers finding love in who knows where
Or maybe write a samba, mexi crazy samba
To impress and disillusion those who just might care

My only problem now is this...
What shall we wear?

(musical styling)

IS it real?

Again I have hit a slight bump. I was plunking out a melody for one of the posts on here and thought while recording it that it sounded great. When I listened back however, I was less than impressed with how it sounded to me. Maybe it's because I have a minor case of perfectionism when it comes to my vocal ability. It makes me wonder if my talent is as good as what people tell me. I dunno. Maybe I am falling victim to playback syndrome=listening to yourself and finding all the faults rather than all the successes. I may never know. Entry 33:

They say truth lies inside
So very deep in your eyes
When I sit and stare at you
I feel like you just wanna hide

Is there something you fear that I may hear
Was there something you wanted to clear
from your mind, from your soul
has your fear taken a hold on you?
Have I stumbled upon the one thing you wished
I would never uncover that you failed to relinquish?

This sad happenstance of life
When you know the end is nigh
It hurts to know the truth
Ever more while in your youth
The burn is worse when they fail to claim
Their wrong doings to you and admit the blame
Cause once you let go
They will not follow

Linger...

WOW!!! As crazy as this might sound, I am so rattled right now. I just finished Linger, the second book in The Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy. It was an interesting read. Interesting in a good way though. I haven't read a story like this...ever. Aside from this novel adventure I have been on things have been looking up from recent writings. I feel more human, more connected to things I feared would never resurface again. Entry 32:

Rain
simple, light, heavy
consuming, engulfing, enlightening, convulsing, retracting
trickling, sprinkling, drowning
Rain

Shiver

Back many many months I saw a book along the shelves at SLCC Taylorsville Redwood Campus that immediately caught my eye. The cover was entrancing and I found myself picking up without remembering walking over to it.

It wasn't until 3 days ago that I finally purchased the book and read it. I couldn't be more happy that I did.

This book, in my opinion, has brought me back to the place that I thought I had long lost some time ago. It has been a long time since a book has shaken my reality to the point that I realize what has happend in my past, what is happening in my present and what may soon happen in my future if I continue in my strides the way I have. Surprisingly poetic, musical and entrancing, 'Shiver' has awoken the life within me I longed so much to be in touch with again. I feel like I am in tune with myself again. This book has inspired this entry. Entry 31:

Daylight breaks through the clouds
Giving the earth some loving
Plants sit up and soak up
The hearty gift they've been longing for
More to add here...

Dimly as the clock tolls 9
The sun begins to lose it's shine

This selfishness is becoming my tragedy...

I have discovered how very selfish I have become over the past few months-and it is scaring me. I never wanted to be the selfish type of person who could go talking without talking about themselves. It's not the most admirable quality and not something I could ever pride myself in. Entry 30:

One look in the mirror tells me the story
One simple glance shows my category
Of Life
Of Love
Of Strife
The dove will fly near me tonight
Just need to hold on tight

To my heart's instrument
It plays my pains, my wants
My heart's instrument
Can show my inner response
Don't fail to see
What is in me
IT's love

A Much Needed Adventure

I finally got out of the house today and had some fun with my best friend from high school. It was so nice to be part of the outside world again. That's all really. Tomorrow will prove to be an adventure much needed as well. Entry number 29:

Mortals live such simple lives
In more ways than naught
While those of us who have stronger ties
Are strangely oft forgot

Once again insomnia plagues me...

On the lighter side of things: I think my infection has finally left the building of my person. It is such a relief to feel "normal". Today I will definitely take advantage of my freedom. I plan on going outside and maybe taking a day hike. My legs would like that a lot. Plus I need the exercise. I think in the week and a half I was basically confined to my house/room I have begun to get what i have dubbed as Gamer's Gut: basically a pot belly. I didn't have amazing abdominal muscles before but I didn't want to develop more of a bulge than I already had. I need to get an exercise regimen along with a healthier diet. It's not that I am trying to lose weight. More so to help me lead a better, healthier life. Anyways, here is another entry:

Each days ends just like the last
The sun goes down and the moon comes up
The time we spend in each other's arms
It never seems to be enough
For me

The touch of your skin on mine
Your lips pressed into mine
The smell of your skin has scarred my mind
In ways I cannot explain tonight
The way that your words flow
Your mind opened beyond a crack
I feel so privileged to have
The essence of you in my life's track

Each moment starts the same
As an unexpected path
Each day I spend with you
I know that it was meant to last
Agree?

The touch of your skin on mine
Your lips pressed into mine
The smell of your skin has scarred my mind
In ways I cannot explain tonight
The way that your words flow
Your mind opened beyond a crack
I feel so privileged to have
The essence of you in my life's track

Each day ends just like the last
The moons goes down and the sun rises up
In the months we have shared together
I knew you would never give up
on me.

Finished the game, but missed out on so much...

Due once again to having this stinking infection rule my current life I missed out on a couple things today(Monday). Today was my nephew's 4th birthday. I wanted so bad to watch him opening presents and throwing/eating cake. Sadly I was stuck once again at home. And once again I spent it playing my video game(which I finished!!!). I also missed out on my new favorite thing about my job: we can have party things at my work building!!! A few of my co-workers and myself decided to have an usher movie thing every dark week to let us have some free time and spend more time with each other whilst watching a movie or whatever. Brilliant idea!!!! It has started to get better each time and I can only imagine how well the turn out was this time. Anyways I think I am now once again 7 entries behind. Since i have won my game I now have all day tomorrow to write and catch up. This time I will. Here is entry 28(?):

Hear the whisp of the wind
Feel the chill of the snow
Hear the splash of the waves
Feel the rain touch your nose
Find the love in your heart
For the one that you want
Keep a place in your soul
And never let go

Mother nature has her ways with things
She makes you want to change your dreams
But she's got your back in the end
She'll keep you on the trail to your dreams

Touch a dew cover field
taste the air of the trees
Touch the hair of a hare
Taste the fresh rain breeze
Find that part of your soul
You promised never to share
Make it well known to your love
You will always be there

Mother nature has her ways with things
She makes you want to change your dreams
But she's got your back in the end
She'll keep you on the trail to your dreams

The roads are often bumpy
At times you may feel dumpy
You've gotta stand up tall
Believe that you can show them all

Mother nature has her ways with things
She makes you want to change your dreams
But she's got your back in the end
She'll keep you on the trail to your dreams

Stupid video games>>>

So since I was bored out of my mind being home the entire week with a couple short exits to do some business I bought a computer game to keep myself entertained.(mind y'all I bought it today{saturday} so I haven't had it for very long.) It always seems to make me lose track of time. I just looked at the clock and realized it was 5am!!! YUCK!!! I was doing so well at going to bed between 1 and 3. 5am is way too late. I will be adding the song/poem entry later today(sunday){or not}. Here it will be:

Try to see what's in front of me
What in the world is it suposed to be
Look left then right, up then down
And yet I still see nothing around

Is this a joke
Your silly game
Or have I lost my brain?

Whatever the prize
I don't wish to play
Please let me go
I wanna stay the same
Please get me out of your brain

Take each step so very cautiously
You might find it funny;simple immaturity
But as each moment passes you by
I'll walk side by side, matching mine stride for stride

Is this a joke
Your silly game
Or have I lost my brain?

Whatever the prize
I refuse to play
Please leave me alone
I wanna live with no pain
Please get out of my brain

In light of the situation...

This summer has been somewhat of a struggle. I have been looking for another job all summer and haven't succeeded yet. I have recently harbored a nasty infection which makes finding a job much harder until it has left my body. And lastly I haven't spent nearly as much time with my friends as I should have. Though these things could leave a person feeling like their accomplishments for the summer were disasterously failed, I have actually benefitted in small ways. I have come to understand myself, my way of thinking, and of how my choices affect me each and every day. I think this entry will show how I have been able to see the light when all the lights are turned off:

Empty room
Curtained windows
There's no light
Within the shadows

Waiting for the break of day
Hoping for my love to stay

I'm broken
So out of control
I'm broken
Got nobody here to hold me
I'm tangled up inside myself
Stuck inside this shelf
I'm broken

Longing for
brighter days
Wishing to
See through the haze

Waiting for the break of day
Hoping for my soul to stay

I'm broken
So out of control
I'm broken
Got nobody here to hold me
I'm tangled up inside myself
Stuck inside this shelf
I'm broken

At last it's come
The light of day
My heart shows some
Relief from pain

I was broken
Felt I had lost all control
I was broken
I had nobody there to hold me
Was tangled up inside myself
Thought I was stuck inside a shelf
Now I'm not broken

Things are clearing up...

Well since Tuesday my eyes have cleared up a lot. I have finished my antibiotic drops so now I just have to keep my eyes hydrated and make sure I sanitize anything I touch after I touch my eyes, nose and mouth. It seems easy, but you never realize how often you touch these areas until you have to really pay attention. Yeah, I know I am really behind on my posts, but I have so much time on my hands that I forget about catching up on here. LOL. Here is my newest song:

This morning seems different
So quiet and still
No one has come into my life
To take the place you filled

I might look like I'm alone
That I've an empty neighb'ring throne
These looks are so deceiving
Look past the threads that you've been weaving

I'm not alone
My mind has surely grown
I'm not alone
It's weird to have you home
Each day will get easier to accept the facts
You and I were not meant to last
But I'm not alone

Walking down the street
Hear the pitter patter of my feet
They seem so lonely
But i know you don't own me

I might look like I'm alone
That I've an empty neighb'ring throne
These looks are so deceiving
Look past the threads that you've been weaving

I'm not alone
My mind has surely grown
I'm not alone
It's weird to have you home
Each day will get easier to accept the facts
You and I were not meant to last
But I'm not alone

We were so close our hearts were one
Until you said that you were done
You'd found someone who made you happy
Now that your gone I can now see

I'm not alone
My mind has surely grown
I'm not alone
It's weird to have you home
Each day will get easier to accept the facts
You and I were not meant to last
But I'm not alone

You helped me some
And now I won
I'll never be alone
I'll never be alone